Bloody Motels

Don't take a shower in this establishment

By the time the year is over, I’ll have spent about 60 nights in motels through my itinerant work.

As a result, I’ve built up a pretty fair list of irritants that go with this nomadic lifestyle.

Sometimes I wonder who designs motel rooms - and whether the people who do ever stay overnight in one of their creations.

In the first place, generally people who stay in motels have luggage. Why is it then, that many motel rooms don’t have anywhere to put suitcases (or in my case folding clothes hangers)? Often, the floor is the only space available.

Why are important bits of kit like mini-refrigerators and microwaves often hidden in cupboards? Why is it that one establishment I’m forced to inhabit has the clothes hanging space taken up with a fridge large enough for a family of six?

Why is there little or no bench space for a laptop, a box of files, or breakfast? 

Why do some air-conditioners make as much noise as an F-105 on a strafing run? Why does the wall vibrate when the guest next door turns his shower on?

Speaking of showers – why don’t hot and cold taps conform to any standard pattern? I don’t as a rule wear my specs in the shower, so have learned the habit of checking the shower out first with glasses on to make sure I don’t end up with serious scalding. There are some places I stay where the shower feeds directly from an artesian bore, and comes out at very high temperature that needs to be cooled by the cold tap before you can safely shower in it.

On the subject of changing eyesight – why do those dinky little packs of toiletries all look the same and have labels such as shampoo, conditioner and body wash printed in 8 point font or smaller?

Why am I always given a room next to a squad of people working for Santos or somesuch who get noisily on the booze until the wee hours and then start their diesels up and idle them for ten minutes at 5am? I too drive a diesel, but it has no desperate need for lengthy 5am warmups.

These days I travel with chargers for iPad and iPhone, as well as the Bluetooth attachment for the car. Rare indeed are the rooms that have sufficient power points to charge all at once.

Then there’s the Wi-Fi. Most motels advertise it, but it usually works only ten metres from the transmitter. It almost never works after all guests are in. I’ve noticed a phenomenon whereby I’ll be writing reports on my work website, only to have the Wi-Fi metaphorically shrug its shoulders and boot me off after additional guests log on.

Most of next week I’ll be in motels. Maybe I should buy a swag and set up under the stars. It’s warm enough these days and I’d save a dollar or two.

Mind you – the grey nomads are an occupational hazard for campers out where I travel. I’d probably end up getting an ear-bashing from some Vietnam Vet from 2RAR in a Jayco Discovery towed by a Falcon ute…..